Being Here

this feels most natural

an envelope hug

no elbows, knees

consuming.

sweet grass, hot

thick perfume in the air

sprouting along the road

grabbing at my bare

calves.

rusted ruts of red trail

worn by habit

and a sky as open as

Your heart

encompassing rugged pine

hills, turquoise waters

stretching to be one with the

sky.

and this feels most natural

young again

when the world made clear sense

spring turned to summer

summer to fall

sitting out in shade

smiling at lazy trees

and laughing breezes.

these moments of silence and stillness reverberate

reverberate

again and again and again.

the City has no hold like this.

nature- endless, endless

the beauty holds my soul

in a way nothing else

is Loved.

my soul is completely free.

where is that river?

i need something to calm brewing waters

something more soothing than chamomile

or the fireplace

i need peace.

i lose it; sometimes find it

believe i can stumble into it

or summon it

but really, peace always just...

comes

upon me

immersing me.

and my brewing waters are submerged

into something bigger

--endless---

maybe my heart isn't opened

maybe i'm looking too hard.

or not hard enough?

pax christi,

i need you.

what am i willing to give up

to allow you in?

i sometimes get lost in it

how do you prepare to live on the other side for a few months?

on the other side of the world

maybe on the other side of what life is like

on the other side of history

apparently by reading.

all these required readings

centered on apartheid

expose my ignorance

and fill me with a heaviness...

that leaves me wondering if I can/should go to this place

filled with the darkness of humanity

or can I do this fast?

centered on the darkness of humanity

torture and injustice

but in prayer, I realize the fallacy of the darkness

on the other side, I'll experience the goodness of humanity

in fasting for Guantanamo, I'll honor the dignity of humanity

my life experiences are full of life

when I forget that

and get lost in the darkness

I lose.

sight of truth, hope, and the Way..

goddess of the night; of light

i sink and bob, floating ... feeling

small flakes of ice surrounding

my heart

begin to thaw or flake off

and in this thaw i realize

how very frozen i am.

cold and numb

withdrawn

surrounded by beauty, friends, laughter-

all attempting to draw me into full life

a circle of warmth.

more, more more is coming.

always coming.

and when i sit with my self of selves,

deep inside dwells a heart like a lotus

open enough to hold all.

but right now, in a false move for protection,

a hurricane globe of thin ice surrounds the flower.

soon to be thawed

or quickly shattered

back from processing

into feeling

as i float, bob, sink and rise.

12/5/10

God is everything
and i feel like my heart is being cleared of chaff
so that I can see God in everything

or rather

see God next to me

in me

in you
more clearly
it will never be perfect
and it kind of hurts
badly
but
it is worth it
for a better infusion of grace
and surrender
and ...
everything.

prayer

my heart if full with it all

overwhelmed and assumed

a greater outpouring that i can't even articulate

this connectedness that keeps bringing me back to myself.

me back to ourself.

connection!

in his eyes, i can see

my own heart

opened

and this offering is not burnt

but i can smell the sweet smoke

raising, dissipating into the atmosphere

adding a small mass to the all surrounding greater love

prayer prayer prayer

and everything is deepened.

sorrow

the pain encircled our body

throbbing, swelling, pulling, pulling... pulling

as we dragged the devil into the light

Christ's body

heaving with last- oh, why are we forsaken?

crucified to bring justice

a Woman, beaten with a bat, robbed

in front of St. Gert's

pain, pain, pain

encircling us

as we dip our hands into the wound

and believe it is Christ's body

gasping and broken

hope seems far and small

a pure light shining in an unreachable distance

where is the resurrection now

why are we stuck at Friday